Nothing is Permanent

"Nothing is permanent except change."My life is like a range of mountains which occurs based on my experiences. I noticed that nothing is static in one place and everything is changed according to the time. All I noticed is everything is changed, especially the people change,  the feeling change, and the memories change in my life.

I hate to see some particular things and people are changing. I just love them to be the same as before, but it never come true as I wish. People change unexpectedly. The saddest thing is when the people you know become the people you knew. Through I refuse to accept it, I can't avoid this reality. I am a girl who love to wait miracle to happen in life. Additionally, I am the one who is coward to get out from unreality dream as well as  afraid to see the changes because all the changes usually blow me away and unable to stand up against it sometimes. Since I am a girl who is seen by no one, who else I need to care. I am tired from the illness of ignorance by some particular people. As I recognize the feeling is like a wave which goes ups and downs at particular time, I try to escape from the feeling that set between the ups and downs sorrow and stay happily for my life . After  I  realize that these up and down sorrow and happiness are the products of my thinking, I madly wake up from my dream and attempt to walk away.  If these feeling are just the options, what I choose to be is mine. Frankly, I may regard everythings goes wrong and nothing can be possible to stand up myself. This unconscious mind control over my thinking and leads me inseaty. Therefore, fighting self-conflict within myself becomes the powerful tool to cross through the darkness of my life. 

 I force myself to think that I am the only master to manage my mind directly to happiness. Even if I know waiting the time for miracle and expect something from asshole may not bring me happiness, I am still dreaming about it. I have learn a lesson for not taking anything and anybody for granted because things are changed and people will leave or tired me eventually at some points , so I stab to enjoy every movement for today.  What I have learn from it is as long as  people  are greedy and never satisfy for where they are and what they get, the grass will be always greener than the other side and jealously will kill them to the death.

Talk Through Thoughts

Though I am away from you, luckily I have a chance to talk to you through my mind. I am always thinking about you in my mind and talking to you like we used to talk. I close my eyes softly and imagine that you are next to me. We both sit in a quiet place peacefully without speaking a single word. The world seems so silent for us and the enjoy moment is held by you and me with smiling faces. Nothing could be happier than this moment that we are together and swear to God that we shall never be apart.

I always get the feeling that you are missing me. I also get the sense that you are missing me while I am missing you. I am always whispering you that I am deathly missing you in my mind by visualizing your face when I am missing you. I keep talking to you in my mind even though you do not want to listen to me anymore in reality. I share to you everything that I want to or I do not want to because that is what I used to do with you since we met. This becomes my habit and I cannot bare it. While I am talking to you, you are just listening to me and talking to me back softly. This mind to mind communication allows me to stay close with you and let me receive warm and kindness from you. Could you ever imagine being able to have an entire conversation with someone by connecting with her through your thoughts? That is how I connect with you every night before I go to bed. I see your face with full of smile and I hear your sweet voice when you call my name. I can see your smile that you always ware while you were with me. I can read your mind through your eyes and heart. I feel everything is the same like before and nothing is changed until now. You still love me and care me like before but you are just afraid to admit that you are still missing me and willing to be with me. You don’t have that courage even in the dream. I always send you a message with full of love through my thoughts. I smile when I get reply from you. I think and imagine you until I can hear your voice and see your peaceful smile. Sometimes I say it out loud when I feel you are far away from me.

I believe that you are missing me while I am thinking of you. I have faith in mind to mind. How hard I tried to get rid of you, you are still in my mind and in my heart. You are still ruling over my heart without my permission. You may say I am dreamer but the true is I am psychopathic. Because of you, I lost myself. Because of your neglect, I got mad and I feel emptiness. Because of your ignorance, I am nothing. Because of your heatless, I am hurt. You let me walk alone through this darkness and you destroy all the ways of my brighten future. Yes, I am still in this darkness by carrying you with my heart because my stupid brain does not allow me to throw you away. You said that you choose a suitable way for both of us, you and me. Why did not let me choose the way which I want to be? If you let me choose it, I will choose different way which we both will be happy for our entire life. As you said having a relationship is walking on a rope which is difficult to turn back, why not jumping down from that rope and hangs yourself for your happiness. Please don’t give me fucking excuse with stupid reasons. Please stop saying that “I miss you” again unless you means it. Don’t say fucking word that “I love you” unless you truly understand and really mean it. You have no ideas how hurts it is for me. As you just choose to walk away from me, don’t give me any bullshit reasons and admit that you just want me to hurt and you did it intentionally to me.

Sometimes I am enjoying in fake world with fake people because I want to see the things as fake. Sometimes things are hard to accept in reality. I prefer fake and lie in order to live happily with my dream. I know I cannot be fully happy when I know  all the stupid things in reality. I definitely know that I am hard to stand alone when you walk away from me. Although I know you are wiling to leave me, I am still refusing the reality. I bet you please stay just a moment to hold my dream with the unforgettable memories that we both made. I just want to be with you for a moment, just a moment and I will let you go. It is impossible to ask you to stay with me anymore . But one more time let me ask you to stay in my dream until I wake up and strong enough to stand by myself.  Please cure my heart with your lies until I am solid enough to refuse it. Then I will be reborn with new love for my future.