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Friday 20 December 2013

သူငယ္ခ်င္းထက္ မကပို၍

ေပ်ာ္ရြွင္စရာအေကာင္းဆံုးနဲ႔ အလိုက္ဖက္ဆံုး ခ်စ္သူစံုတြဲအမ်ားစုက သူငယ္ခ်င္းအဆင့္ကစတယ္ဆိုတာေတာ့ အၾကြင္းမဲ့ယံုပါတယ္။ သူငယ္ခ်င္းဆိုတာ ကိုယ့္ရအားနည္းခ်က္အားသာခ်က္ေတြကိုသိပီးသားသူျဖစ္ေနတာရယ္...ဟန္ေဆာင္မႈကင္းမဲ့စြာနဲ႔ လြတ္လပ္စြာ ေျပာဆိုဆက္ဆံခြင့္ေတြေၾကာင့္ တစ္ေယာက္ေပၚ တစ္ေယာက္ ပိုမိုခိုင္ျမဲတဲ့ သံေယာဇဥ္ေတြ တည္ေဆာက္ႏုိင္လာတယ္ေလ။ .ဒါေပမယ့္ မေသခ်ာမေရရာပဲ အေရာင္ဆိုးလိုက္မိရင္ေတာ့ သူငယ္ခ်င္းေကာင္းတစ္ေယာက္ပါ ဆံုးရွံုးသြားႏုိင္တယ္ဆိုတာ သိေစခ်င္တယ္။

မထင္မွတ္တဲ႔ေန႔တစ္ေန႔မွာ အခ်စ္ဆံုးသူငယ္ခ်င္းပါလို႔  သတ္မွတ္လိုက္ခဲ့မိတဲ့ လူတစ္ေယာက္ ေရာက္လာတယ္ ။ အသစ္ေတြ အေဟာင္းျဖစ္၊ အေဟာင္းေတြ အသစ္ျဖစ္နဲ႔ သံသရာလည္ေနတဲ့ ဒီေလာကၾကီးမွာ ေနရာသစ္၊ ပါတ္၀န္းက်င္အသစ္နဲ႔ မိတ္ေဆြသစ္ဖြဲ႔ဖို႔ ဆိုတာ အခ်ိန္ယူရပါတယ္။ မိတ္ေဆြေဟာင္းေတြနဲ႔ ဆက္သြယ္ဖို႔ေရာ အခ်ိန္ေတြ ဘယ္ေလာက္ေပးခဲ့ဖူးသလဲ ကိုယ့္ကိုယ္ကို ျပန္သံုးသတ္ေနရင္းနဲ႔ပဲ... ဒီရွိရင္းဆြဲ ပတ္၀န္က်င္ က်ဥ္းက်ဥ္းေလးမွာပဲ က်င္လည္ေနခဲ့မိတယ္။ အခ်ိန္ေတြရဲ့ အေျပာင္းအလဲေၾကာင့္ ရွိရင္းဆြဲ သူငယ္ခ်င္းေဟာင္းေတြနဲလည္း႔ ဆက္ဆံေရး တစ္ေျဖးေျဖး က်ဲလာပါတယ္...ေနာက္ဆံုးေတာ့.. အလိုလိုပဲလူ႔အဖြဲ႔အစည္းတခုရဲ႔ အျပင္ဘက္ေရာက္လာခဲ့တယ္။ လူတိုင္းကေတာ့ လိုအပ္လို႔ ကိုယ့္စီေရာက္လာတာရွိသလို…မလိုအပ္ေတာ့လို႔ ထြက္သြားၾကတဲ့သူေတြလည္း အမ်ားၾကီးပါ။ ကိုယ့္ဘ၀ထဲက ထြက္ခြာသြားတဲ့ သူပဲျဖစ္ျဖစ္ ၊ ၀င္ေရာက္လာတဲ့ သူပဲျဖစ္ျဖစ္ သူ႔တို႔ ကိုယ့္တြက္ ခံစားခ်က္တခုခု (သို႔) သင္ယူစရာတစ္ခုခုေတာ႔ေပးခဲ့ပါတယ္။ တခ်ိဳ႔က ေမ်ွာ္လင့္ခ်က္ေတြေပးခဲ့ သလို တခ်ို႔က နာၾကင္မႈေတြေပးသြားတတ္ၾကေသးတယ္ေလ။ ယူတတ္ရင္ သင္ခန္းစာေတြပါပဲလို ေျပာေနၾကေသာ္လည္း  တကယ္လက္ေတြ႔မွာေတာ့ ခက္ခဲ့ပါတယ္။  
လူတုိင္း လူတုိင္းမွာ၊ အရင္းႏွီးဆံုး၊ အခင္မင္ဆံုး၊ အပြင့္လင္းဆံုး၊ အခ်စ္ရဆံုးသူငယ္ခ်င္းဆိုတာ ရွိၾကမွာပါ။  က်မဘ၀မွာလည္း အပြင့္လင္းဆံုး ရင္းႏွီးစြာ ရင္ဖြင့္တိုင္ပင္ခဲ့ဖူးတဲ့ အခ်စ္ရဆံုးလို႔လည္း သတ္မွတ္ထားတဲ့ သူငယ္ခ်င္းတစ္ေယာက္ရွိခဲ့ဖူးပါတယ္... အခ်စ္ဆံုး အခင္ရဆံုး သူငယ္ခ်င္းရွိတယ္ဆိုတာ သိပ္မဆန္းလွေပမယ့္ က်မအတြက္ေတာ့ အဲဒီသူငယ္ခ်င္းအနားမွာရွိေနခဲ့ဖူးတာ ဆန္းပါတယ္။ သူနဲ႔ က်မက ငယ္သူငယ္ခ်င္းေတြမိွဳ႔ အပြင့္လင္းဆံုး အခ်စ္ရဆံုးျဖစ္ရတာလားဆိုရင္လည္း မဟုတ္ျပန္ပါဘူး…. သူနဲ႔ စေတြ႔တဲ့ အခ်ိန္ကတည္းက သူ႔ရဲ႔အျပဳအမႈွေတြအားလံုးက တျခားသူငယ္ခ်င္းေတြနဲ႔ ကြားျခားေနတယ္ဆိုတာ သတိထားမိတယ္….သူရဲ့ထူးျခားမႈေတြက ေပါက္ကရလုပ္ခ်င္းကစပါတယ္….. တစ္ေန႔ေတာ့ ဖုန္းသရဲတစ္ေကာင္လို ညဥ္႔နက္သန္းေခါင္ ဖုန္းမက္ေဆ့ေတြပို႔ပီး ေျခာက္လန္႔ပါတယ္။ သူညတိုင္း ပို႔ပို႔လာတဲ့ မက္ေဆ့ေတြကေတာ့ “Have a Bloody Dream”... “Blood Hell” ဆိုတဲ့ ခပ္ေၾကာင္ေၾကာင့္ ခပ္လန္႔လန္႔ စကားလံုးေတြသံုးပီး..ေပါက္ကရမက္ေဆ့ေတြနဲ႔ က်မကိုေသြးပ်က္ေအာင္ ညတိုင္းနီးပါး ေျခာက္လန္႔ခဲ့သူတစ္ေယာက္ပါ။ ဒီလိုနဲ႔ က်မအနီးအနားမွာရွိတဲ့ သူငယ္ခ်င္းေတြကို အဲလို ညတိုင္းမက္ေဆ့ေတြရေနတယ္ဆိုတဲ့အေၾကာင္း ဖြင့္ေျပာမိပါတယ္။ သူငယ္ခ်င္းေတြက အဲဒီမက္ေဆ့ကိုေသခ်ာဖက္ ပီးေတာ့ပို႔လာတဲ့ဖုန္းနဲ႔ပါတ္နဲ႔ country code ကို google မွာလိုက္ရွာ…..ဒီလိုနဲ႔ ငနဲသားဘယ္ႏုိင္ငံကေန ပို႔ေနတာလည္းဆိုတာသိပါေတာ့တယ္... မက္ေဆ့နဲ႔တင္ ႏွိပ္ဆက္တာမဟုတ္ေသးဘူး...ဖုန္းပါေခၚလာေသးတယ္... မွတ္မွတ္ရရ အခါတိုင္းဆို ကြန္ပ်ဴတာနဲ႔ အတူထားေလ့ရွိတဲ့ ဖုန္းက….အဲဒီေန႔မွ အသံၾကားပီး ရွာမေတြ႔ျဖစ္ေနပါေသးရဲ့….အခ်ိန္ၾကာၾကာဖုန္းျမည္သံၾကားပီး ရွာရခက္ေနတဲ့ ဖုန္းကို အိပ္ယာေပၚ ေခါင္းအံုးေအာက္ကေန.. ေတြ႔ေတြ႔ခ်င္း ရုပ္တရက္ ကိုင္လိုက္မိတယ္…...
“ ဟလို……..”
“ေနေကာင္းလား…”
“ ဟုတ္”
“စာလိုက္ႏုိင္လား…”
“ ဟုတ္“
“ဘာေတြလုပ္ေနလဲ”
ဆိုတဲ့ ေမးခြန္းေပါင္းေသာင္းေျခာက္ထာင္နဲ႔ က်မမွာ တလံုးမက်န္ျပန္ေျဖခဲ့ဖူးပါတယ္။ ရုတ္တရက္ က်မေကာက္ေပးလိုက္မိတယ္…လွ်ာထပ္ရွည္မိသူသာအမွားပါေလ….
“အခုေျပာေနတာဘယ္သူလဲ”
“ဘယ္ကလဲ” လို႔ေမးတဲ့ အခါမွာ...
“သမီး ေလးေလးရယ္ေလ... ေလးေလး” တဲ့…..ေအာ္ ကိုယ့္ဦးေလးကလည္း တခါတေလဖုန္းဆက္ဆက္လာရင္ private number လို႔ပဲ ဖုန္းေပၚ မွာေပၚေလ့ရွိေတာ့ ေလးေလးလုိ႔ပဲ ရုပ္တရက္ ထင္ခဲ့မိျပန္တယ္….ဒီလိုနဲ႔ ဖုန္းဆက္ေျပာေနလိုက္ေသးတယ္….
“ဟုတ္ေလးေလး...သမီးေနေကာင္းပါတယ္”
“ေလးေလးေရာ ေနေကာင္းလား” ဆိုေတာ့
“ေကာင္းတယ္ သမီး...ေကာင္းတယ္”
တဲ့ေလ...ဒီငနဲ႔က။ ေလးေလးအသံနဲ႔ မတူဘူးဆိုတာ သိေသာ္လည္း ေလးေလးနဲ႔ စကားမေျပာျဖစ္တာၾကာေနေသာ က်မက ဖုန္းလိုင္းေၾကာင့္ အသံတမ်ိဳး ျဖစ္ေနတယ္လို႔ပဲ ထင္လိုက္မိတယ္။
ေနာက္တစ္ပါတ္ေလာက္ေနေတာ့ ငနဲက အြန္လိုင္းခ်က္ေဘာ့စ္မွာ invited လုပ္ထားပါတယ္….အဲဒီအခ်ိန္ထိလည္း ေလးေလးပါလို႔ေျပာျပီး ဖုန္းဆက္ခဲ့သူက သူဆိုတာ မသိခဲ့ေသးပါဘူး။ တစ္ေန႔ေတာ့ gtalk မွာ offline ျဖစ္ေနတဲ့အခ်ိန္ ခ်က္ေဘာ့စ္ကေန သူမက္ေဆ့ပို႔ထားပါတယ္…
“ ေဟ့... နင့္ သူငယ္ခ်င္း ……..ကို ကတံုးတုံုးပီး သီလရွင္၀တ္ေပးလိုက္” တဲ့. အဲဒီမက္ေဆာ့ကိုဖတ္ပီး တိတ္ဆိတ္ေနတဲ့ အခန္းက်ဥ္းေလးထဲမွာ တစ္ေယာက္တည္း အသံျဗဲနဲ႔ စိတ္လြတ္ ကိုယ္လြတ္ေအာ္ရယ္မိပါတယ္။ အဲလိုနဲ႔ပဲ ဘုမသိ ဘမသိနဲ႔ လူတစ္ေယာက္နဲ႔  ခင္မင္မႈရခ့ဲ့တယ္…. သူရဲ႔ ေပ်ာ္ရႊင္တတ္မႈရယ္...ပြင့္လင္းတတ္မႈရယ္ကို က်မအေလးထားခဲ့တယ္ ပြင့္လင္းတတ္တဲ့ သူရဲ႔ စိတ္ေနသေဘာထားေပၚမႈတည္ပီး က်မ သူေပၚ အရမ္းယံုၾကည္႔ခဲ့မိတယ္။ ေပါေတာေတာ ဆန္တဲ့ သူရဲ့ လုပ္ရပ္ေတြရယ္…..လူၾကီးမဆန္တဲ့ မာန္မာန ကင္းမဲ့ပီး ပြင့္လင္းတတ္တဲ့ သူရဲ့အျပဳအမႈေတြက က်မရဲ့ အခ်စ္ဆံုးသူငယ္ခ်င္းျဖစ္ဖို႔ ဦးတည္လာပါတယ္။ သူ႔နဲ႔ အေပါင္းအသင္းျဖစ္ရတာ ေပ်ာ္တယ္..သူနဲ႔ေပါင္းပီး ေပါက္ကရလုပ္ခ်င္းေတြကိုလည္း ႏွစ္သက္လာခဲ့တယ္။ သူအတြက္ေတာ့ က်မက အီးေရာင္၀ါး သူငယ္ခ်င္းတစ္ေယာက္ျဖစ္ခ်င္ ျဖစ္ေနပါလိမ့္မယ္....ဒါေပမယ့္.သူကေတာ့က်မတြက္ အခင္ရဆံုးနဲ႔ အခ်စ္ရဆံုးသူငယ္ခ်င္းတစ္ေယာက္ပါ။ သူကေတာ့ သတိထားမိခ်င္မွ ထားမိမွာပါ….အဲအခ်ိန္ကစပီး သူရဲ႔ေပါက္ကလုပ္ခ်င္းေတြက က်မရဲ႔ ဘ၀တစိတ္တပိုင္းမွာ မသိမသာ ေနရာယူေနခဲ့ပါတယ္။
အမွန္ေတာ့ သူက အြန္လိုင္းမိေဆြတစ္ေယာက္ပါ။ မိတ္ေဆြျဖစ္ခဲ့ၾကတဲ့ အခ်ိန္ကလတစ္ခုက တစ္ေယာက္နဲ႔ တစ္ေယာက္ ပိုမိုရင္းပီးလာပီး… ေျပာမနာဆိုမနာနဲ႔ ပြင့္လင္းမႈေတြကစလို႔ က်မတို႔ ႏွစ္ေယာက္တြက္ ငယ္ငယ္ကတည္းက ပုခံုးဖက္ပီး ၾကီးျပင္းေပါင္းသင္းလာခဲ့ဖူးၾကတဲ့ သူငယ္ခ်င္းေတြသဖြယ္ အသြင္ေျပာင္းသြားေစခဲ့တယ္ေလ။ ဘယ္လိုပဲစပီး ေတြ႔ခဲ့ ခင္ခဲ့ပါ သူက အပြင့္လင္းဆံုးနဲ႔ ဟာသအျဖစ္ဆံုးမိတ္ေဆြတစ္ေယာက္ပါ။  သူက တခါမွ က်မကို အေကာင္းမေျပာဘူးတဲ့ သူငယ္ခ်င္းတစ္ေယာက္ဆိုရင္လည္းမွန္ပါတယ္... သူအေျပာအဆိုေတြက က်မတြက္ ၾကင္နာယုယမွဳမရခဲ့ဖူးေပမယ့္ သူနဲ႔ အတူရွိေနတဲ့ အခ်ိန္တိုင္း က်မေပ်ာ္ခဲ့ပါတယ္….ႏွစ္ေယာက္အတူရယ္စရာေတြရွာၾကံပီးတစ္ေယာက္ကိုတစ္ေယာက္ေပ်ာ္ေအာင္ လုပ္ခဲ့ဖူးတယ္…..ကေလးအရမ္းဆန္လြန္းတဲ့ အကြတ္ေတြေပမယ့္ ႏွစ္ေယာက္လံုးသာယာခဲ့တယ္..ေပ်ာ္ရႊင္ခဲ့တယ္…. အဓိတ္ပါယ္မရွိဘူးလို႔ အမ်ားထင္ထားတဲ့ အေသးအဖြဲ႔ ဟာသေလးေတြနဲ႔ က်မတို႔ ႏွစ္ေယာက္အတိုင္းမသိေပ်ာ္ခဲ့ဖူးတယ္...  တခါတေလ.. က်မရဲ႔ အခ်ိဳးမက်တဲံခႏၵာကိုယ္ရယ္၊ အရပ္ပုတာရယ္၊ နဖူးေျပာင္တာရယ္ကသူ႔တြက္ဟာသတခုျဖစ္ေနတယ္ေလ.. ေတြ႔လိုက္တာနဲ႔တခ်ိန္တည္း
“နင့္ နဖူးနည္းနည္း ပိုေျပာင္လာတယ္ေနာ္”..
“နည္းနည္းလည္း ၀လာတယ္ သိလား”
“ လူပါး ေျပာတာ”
မခံႏုိင္ေလာက္ေအာင္ ရစရာမရွိေအာင္ အရမ္းစတတ္ေနာက္တတ္ပါတယ္။ တခါတေလမွာေတာ့ သူရဲ႔ အေပါင္းအသင္းအသစ္ေတြျဖစ္တဲ့.….ေခြး၊ ေၾကာင္၊ ႒င္းတငွက္ စသည္..သတၱာ၀ါေတြကိုလည္း အလြန္အလြန္စိတ္၀င္တစား ေျပာျပတတ္သူ ျဖစ္ပီး...တခါတေလ သူပ်င္းတဲ့အခါ (သို႔)
“ ပ်င္းလိုက္တာဟာ” လို႔
ညည္းလိုက္မိတဲ့အခါ အဲဒီတိရိစၦာန္မ်ား ၏အေၾကာင္းကို စီကာပါတ္ကံု အစအဆံုး သူတုိ႔ရဲ႔စရုိက္လခဏကစ သူေျပာျပပါတယ္။ ေနတိုင္းလိုလို သူ႔နဲ႔ က်မ စကား၀ိုင္းထဲမွာ မပါမျဖစ္ နဲ႔ သူအႏွစ္သက္ဆံုးေသာ တရိစာၦန္ကေတာ့ ႒င္းတငွက္ေပါ့... သူေျပာေလ့ရွိပါတယ္..
    “ဘ၀က လဒလိုပဲ မျပန္ခင္အရင္ေျပးရတယ္ဟ”
ဆိုတာမ်ိဳးလည္း လုပ္တတ္ပါေသးတယ္။ ေျပာရရင္ေတာ့ ခပ္ေပါေပါပါ….ေပါဆိုလိုက္ကိုမမွီတာ။
သူငယ္ခ်င္းလည္း မက ခ်စ္သူလည္းမဟုတ္တဲ့ က်မတို႔ႏွစ္ေယာက္က...ခံစားခ်က္ေတြကို ဖုံးကြယ္ပီး..ဟန္မပ်က္ေနခဲ့ၾကတယ္။.လူတစ္ေယာက္စိတ္က ဘယ္လိုရွိတယ္ဆိုတာ သူ႔ ကိုယ့္အေပၚ  ျပဳမႈ ဆက္ဆံ လုပ္ကိုင္ေပးတဲ့ အရာေတြေပၚ ၾကည္႔ပီး ဆံုးျဖတ္လို႔ရပါတယ္ေလ။တခ်ို႔ ခံစားခ်က္ေတြကို လစ္လ်ဴရွဳခဲ့တာမွန္ေပမယ့္….တခ်ို႔ခံစားခ်က္ေတြက ေျပာျပစရာမလိုပဲ မ်က္၀န္းထဲမွာေပၚေနတတ္တယ္ေလ….အသိခ်င္ေယာင္ေဆာင္….မၾကားခ်င္ေယာင္ေဆာင္ပီး ခံစားခ်က္အားလံုးကို မ်က္ကြယ္ျပဳထားေပမယ့္ ခံစားခ်က္ဆိုတဲ့ အရာမ်ိုးက ၾကာၾကာလ်ိဳ၀ွက္ဖံုးကြယ္ထားလို႔ မရတဲ့အရာမ်ိဳးမလား…..စိတ္ခံစားခ်က္ရဲ႔ ေဆ့ေဆာ္မႈအရ...အမွန္တရားဆိုတာ မၾကာခင္ ေပၚလာပါတယ္။  အရိုးသားဆံုး ၀န္ခံပါရမယ္ဆိုရင္ သူ႔အေပၚသူငယ္ခ်င္းတစ္ေယာက္ထက္ ပို၍ သံေယာဇဥ္ရွိေနျခင္းကို ကိုယ့္ကိုယ္ကို သတိမျပဳမိတာ အမွန္ပါ။ တခုခုကို ခံစားေနရတယ္ဆိုတဲ့ ခံစားခ်က္ေတာ့ ခံစားမိပါတယ္...ဒါေပမယ့္ က်မတြက္ အဲဒီအရာၾကီးကို လက္ခံဖို႔ ခက္ေနတယ္...၀န္ခံရမွာ ရွက္ခဲ့မိတယ္။ ဒီလိုနဲ႔ပဲ တစ္ေယာက္ရဲ႔ ခံစားခ်က္ တစ္ေယာက္ဖုံးကြယ္ရင္း အတုအေယာင္ သူငယ္ခ်င္းအျဖစ္နဲ႔ ေပ်ာ္ရႊင္စြာေနလာခဲ့ၾကပါတယ္။ ကံၾကမာရဲ႔ အခ်ိဳးအေကြ႔တခုမွာ  ဒီသူငယ္ခ်င္း ႏွစ္ေယာက္ရဲ႔ ဆက္ဆံေရးက ေအးစက္လာပါေတာ့တယ္။
တစ္ေန႔ေတာ့ သူစီကအဆက္အသြယ္မရတာၾကာေတာ့...အီးေမးတစ္ေဆာင္ ေကာက္ပီးေရးလိုက္မိပါတယ္….
”Where the hell have you been?”
“Long time no see”
“I hope you are still alive”
ဆိုပီး ပို႔လိုက္မိပါတယ္။ ငါ့ကိုေတာင္ အဆက္အသြယ္လုပ္ဖို႔ အခ်ိန္မရွိတာလား နင္ဘာေတြမ်ား အလုပ္မ်ားေနလဲ ဆိုတဲ့ ေဒါသစိတ္….သိမ့္ငယ္မႈစိတ္နဲ႔ စိတ္မေကာင္းျဖစ္မိခဲ့တယ္။ ေနာက္ေန႔ေတာ့ စာျပန္ပါတယ္...
“ ငါအရမ္းအလုပ္မ်ားေနလို႔ပါ၊ အဲဒါေၾကာင့္ နင့္ကိုမဆက္သြယ္ျဖစ္တာပါ။”
“ ငါက နင့္လို မဟုတ္ဘူးေလဟာ..ငါက worker ေလ”
“ ဒီရက္က အဆိုင္းမန္႔စ္ေတြကလည္း ပိေနေတာ့ လိုင္းေပၚလည္းမတက္ျဖစ္ဘူးေလ”
စိတ္မေကာင္းအရမ္းျဖစ္ခဲ့ေပမယ့္ စိတ္ကိုၾကိဳးစားထိမ္းထားပီး သူနဲ႔ ဆက္ပီးစကားေျပာခဲ့တယ္။ ေနာက္ရက္ေတြလည္း သူလိုင္းေပၚေပၚမလာပါဘူး..အခါတိုင္းလိုင္းေပၚေပၚလာခ်ိန္မရရင္ ဖုန္းဆက္ေနၾကပါ။ မနက္ေစာေစာစီးစီး သူအလုပ္သြားတဲ့အခ်ိန္ ဖုန္းဆက္ပီး ႏွိပ္ဆက္ေနၾကေပါ့......
မနက္တိုင္းဖုန္းေခၚလာပီး
“ နင္ အိပ္ေနတာလား”
“ငါကအလုပ္သြားပီး နင့္ကအိပ္ေနတုန္းမွိဳ့ ဖုန္းဆက္လိုက္တာ”
“ နင့္ အိပ္ေနတယ္ဆို ဆက္အိပ္ ဆက္အိပ္” တဲ့ေလ...ေတာ္ေတာ္ေလးခ်စ္ဖို႔ေကာင္းပါတယ္။
ဒီလိုနဲ႔ပဲ သူအလုပ္အားမဲ့ရက္ေတြကိုေစာင့္ပီး သူနဲ႔ အရင္တုန္းကလိုပဲ ေပါက္ကရေတြေျပာပီး ေပ်ာ္ခဲ့မိပါေသးတယ္။ ျဖစ္ဖို႔အေျခအေနတခုေရာက္လာပီဆိုရင္ ကံၾကမၼာက မ်က္ႏွာသာမေပးပါဘူး….ဘယ္လိုအေျခအေနပဲျဖစ္ျဖစ္..ဘယ္လိုပံုစံမ်ိဳးပဲျဖစ္ျဖစ္ အဲဒီအခ်ိန္က ေျပာင္းလဲဖို႔ဆိုတာ ျဖစ္လာတာပါပဲ…...
ေျပာင္းလဲမႈတိုင္းရဲ႔ေႏွာက္ကြယ္မွာ အေၾကာင္းျပခ်က္တစ္ခုေတာ့ရွိတယ္ဆိုေပမယ့္ အဲဒီအေၾကာင္းျပခ်က္ကို  မသိခ်င္ခဲ့ပါဘူး…. လူေတြရဲ႔ ျဖစ္တတ္တဲ့သေဘာက ကိုယ္မသိခ်င္တဲ့အရာတခုကိုမွ သိခြင့္ရၾကတယ္ေလ….... ဘယ္လို အေျခအေနေတြ အေၾကာင္းေၾကာင္းေတြေၾကာင့္  သူငယ္ခ်င္းႏွစ္ေယာက္ အေ၀းဆံုးမွာအဆက္အသြယ္ျပတ္စြာ ရွိေနၾကေပမယ့္ ရင္ထဲမွာ တိုက္ဆိုင္မႈရွိတုိင္း သတိတယနဲ႔ လြမ္းဆြတ္ေနတယ္ဆိုတာ မိမိမွတပါး တျခားသူမသိႏုိင္ပါ။ ဘ၀မွာ သူငယ္ခ်င္းတစ္ေယာက္နဲ႔ ပါတ္သက္ပီး ေနာင္တရခဲ့ဖူးတာဆိုလို႔ ဒီသူငယ္ခ်င္း အခ်စ္ရဆံုး သူငယ္ခ်င္း တစ္ေယာက္ပါပဲ…... သူနဲ႔ပါတ္သက္ပီး ေနာင္တရမိဆံုးကေတာ့ သူကို သူငယ္ခ်င္းတစ္ေယာက္ထက္ပိုပါတယ္ဆိုတာ ေျပာခြင့္မရခဲ့လို႔ပါ... သူငယ္ခ်င္းတစ္ေယာက္ထက္ပိုတဲ့ သံေယာဇဥ္ရွိေနတဲ့ က်မရဲ႔ အျပဳအမႈေတြကို လစ္လ်ဴရွဴခဲ့ ႏိုင္တဲ့ သူ႔ကို  စိတ္တိုရင္းနဲ႔  မိမိကိုယ့္ကိုသိမ္ငယ္လာျပန္တယ္….
သူငယ္ခ်င္းဆိုတာ ဘယ္ေလာက္ပဲ ေ၀းေ၀း ျပန္ေတြ႔ၾကတဲ့အခါ ခံစားခ်က္ေတြေျပာင္းလဲမသြားတတ္ပါဘူးတဲ့…….က်မတို႔ သူငယ္ခ်င္းႏွစ္ေယာက္တြက္ေတာ့ ဒီစကားကမွန္မယ္မထင္ပါဘူး…... သူ႔ကိုအျမဲတမ္းလိုလို အဆက္အသြယ္လုပ္ေနမိေသးတယ္..မသိစိတ္ကတမ်ိဳး သိစိတ္ကတဖံု...အရွက္တရားကင္းမဲ့စြာ ဆက္သြယ္ေနမိပါေသးတယ္။ သူ႔ရဲ႔ စိမ္းကားတဲ့ တုန္႔ျပန္မႈေတြေတြကို နားလည္ခြင့္လြတ္ေပးပီ...အသိညဏ္ကင္းမဲ့တဲ့ ဒီဦးေႏွာက္နဲ႔ အမွတ္မရွိတဲ့ ႏွလံုးသားက သူ႔တြက္ေနရာေပးေနတုန္းပဲေလ….အျဖစ္အပ်က္ေတြအားလံုးက နာၾကင္စရာေတြပါ...သိသိနဲ႔ မလြန္ဆန္ႏုိင္ပဲ မိုက္မဲေနေသးတယ္။ ဘာလိုလိုနဲ႔ က်မတို႔ ႏွစ္ေယာက္ သူငယ္ခ်င္းအျဖစ္မွ တခါမွမေတြ႔ဘူးတဲ့ သူစိမ္းေတြလိုျဖစ္လာတာ ဒီေန႔ဆို တစ္ႏွစ္ျပည္႔ျပီ။ ဒီေန႔ကိုေတာ့ ဘယ္ေတာ့မွမေမ့ပါဘူး…....မႏွစ္ကဒီလိုအခ်ိန္ေလးေပါ့ 21.12.2012 ဆိုတာ တကမၻာလံုးလည္း သတိျပဳၾကတဲ့ေန႔ေပါ့. ...ဟိုးေလးတေက်ာ္ေက်ာ္နဲ႔ ကမၻာၾကီးပ်က္မယ္ဆိုပီး လူတိုင္းအာရံုထားေနၾကတဲ့ေနၾကီးတစ္ေန႔ေပါ့…. အဲဒီေန႔ကေတာ့ သူ နဲ႔ ေနာက္ဆံုးဖုန္းအဆက္အသြယ္ရျခင္းပါပဲ…. မထင္မွတ္ပဲ..သူဖုန္းေခၚလာပီး ေျပာပါတယ္..
“ တကယ္လို႔ ဘမၻာၾကီးတကယ္ပ်က္သြားခဲ့ရင္ ငါ့ဖုန္းထဲမွာ က်န္ေနတဲ့ ပိုက္ဆံေတြ ႏွေမ်ွာစရာျဖစ္ေနမွာဆိုးလို႔..ငါ နင့္စီဖုန္းေခၚလိုက္တာ”
တဲ့ေလ….အဲဒီေန႔က တကယ္ ကမၻာၾကီးမပ်က္ခဲ့ေပမဲ့ က်မတို႔ အခ်စ္ဆံုးသူငယ္ခ်င္းႏွစ္ေယာက္ကမၻာေလးကေတာ့ ပ်က္သြားခဲ့ပါတယ္။

သူနဲ႔ ပါတ္သက္တဲ့အရာေတြအားလံုးက အမွတ္ရစရာေတြျဖစ္ေနခဲ့ပါတယ္။ တခ်ိန္က ေပ်ာ္ရႊင္စရာေတြ အားလံုးက ခုလိုအခ်ိန္မ်ိဳးမွာ ျပန္မရႏိုင္ေတာ့တဲ့တြက္ ၀မ္းနည္းစရာေတြျဖစ္လာတယ္။ ေပ်ာ္ေပ်ာ္ေနတတ္တဲ့က်မ .သူနဲ႔ ပါတ္သက္တဲ့ အမွတ္ရစရာေတြကို ေတြးမိတိုင္း ၀မ္းနည္းမႈေတြနဲ႔အတူ ပိုမို အထီးက်န္ဆန္လာတယ္... သူ႔ကို ဘယ္ေတာ့မွခြဲမသြားမဲ့ သူငယ္ခ်င္းတစ္ေယာက္အျဖစ္ က်မယံုၾကည္ခဲ့မိျခင္းကလည္း ယံုၾကည္မႈေတြကိုအလြဲသံုးစားလုပ္ခံလိုက္ရသလို လဲျပိဳသြားတယ္။ ေျပာမနာ ဆိုမနာ အပြင့္လင္းဆံုးနဲ႔ ဟန္ေဟာင္မႈကင္းမဲ့တဲ့ သူငယ္ခ်င္းအျဖစ္ ခ်စ္ခဲ့တယ္... သူနဲ႔ အဆက္အသြယ္မရေတာ့ေပမဲ့ ရင္ထဲမွာ သူရွိေနျမဲပါပဲ….အရာအားလံုးပီးဆံုးသြားေပမဲ့….က်မတြက္က်န္ခဲ့တဲ့အရာေတြကေတာ့.လူေတြအေပၚ ယံုၾကည္႔မႈကင္းမဲ့လာခဲ့တယ္….. လူေတြကိုပိုေၾကာက္တတ္လာတယ္…. အရာရာေပၚ အေလးထားတတ္တဲ့ က်မအတြက္ အရာအားလံုးက နာၾကင္မႈေတြျဖစ္လာတယ္…..ဒီအရာေတြအားလံုးက ရုန္းထြက္ေနရင္း အိပ္ယာ၀င္တိုင္း မ်က္ရည္က်ေနဆဲပါ။ ေနာက္ဆံုး က်န္ခဲ့သည္မွာ  နာၾကင္မႈမ်ားသက္သက္သာ။ 



This post is dedicated to my best friend. No matter what, he will be forever my best friend. When the time he understands the reality, he will understand the real feeling.

Friday 22 November 2013

Nothing is Permanent

"Nothing is permanent except change."My life is like a range of mountains which occurs based on my experiences. I noticed that nothing is static in one place and everything is changed according to the time. All I noticed is everything is changed, especially the people change,  the feeling change, and the memories change in my life.
I hate to see some particular things and people are changing. I just love them to be the same as before, but it never come true as I wish. People change unexpectedly. The saddest thing is when the people you know become the people you knew. Through I refuse to accept it, I can't avoid this reality. I am a girl who love to wait miracle to happen in life. Additionally, I am the one who is coward to get out from unreality dream as well as  afraid to see the changes because all the changes usually blow me away and unable to stand up against it sometimes. Since I am a girl who is seen by no one, who else I need to care. I am tired from the illness of ignorance by some particular people. As I recognize the feeling is like a wave which goes ups and downs at particular time, I try to escape from the feeling that set between the ups and downs sorrow and stay happily for my life . After  I  realize that these up and down sorrow and happiness are the products of my thinking, I madly wake up from my dream and attempt to walk away.  If these feeling are just the options, what I choose to be is mine. Frankly, I may regard everythings goes wrong and nothing can be possible to stand up myself. This unconscious mind control over my thinking and leads me inseaty. Therefore, fighting self-conflict within myself becomes the powerful tool to cross through the darkness of my life. 
 I force myself to think that I am the only master to manage my mind directly to happiness. Even if I know waiting the time for miracle and expect something from asshole may not bring me happiness, I am still dreaming about it. I have learn a lesson for not taking anything and anybody for granted because things are changed and people will leave or tired me eventually at some points , so I stab to enjoy every movement for today.  What I have learn from it is as long as  people  are greedy and never satisfy for where they are and what they get, the grass will be always greener than the other side and jealously will kill them to the death.

Friday 1 November 2013

Talk Through Thoughts

Though I am away from you, luckily I have a chance to talk to you through my mind. I am always thinking about you in my mind and talking to you like we used to talk. I close my eyes softly and imagine that you are next to me. We both sit in a quiet place peacefully without speaking a single word. The world seems so silent for us and the enjoy moment is held by you and me with smiling faces. Nothing could be happier than this moment that we are together and swear to God that we shall never be apart.
I always get the feeling that you are missing me. I also get the sense that you are missing me while I am missing you. I am always whispering you that I am deathly missing you in my mind by visualizing your face when I am missing you. I keep talking to you in my mind even though you do not want to listen to me anymore in reality. I share to you everything that I want to or I do not want to because that is what I used to do with you since we met. This becomes my habit and I cannot bare it. While I am talking to you, you are just listening to me and talking to me back softly. This mind to mind communication allows me to stay close with you and let me receive warm and kindness from you. Could you ever imagine being able to have an entire conversation with someone by connecting with her through your thoughts? That is how I connect with you every night before I go to bed. I see your face with full of smile and I hear your sweet voice when you call my name. I can see your smile that you always ware while you were with me. I can read your mind through your eyes and heart. I feel everything is the same like before and nothing is changed until now. You still love me and care me like before but you are just afraid to admit that you are still missing me and willing to be with me. You don’t have that courage even in the dream. I always send you a message with full of love through my thoughts. I smile when I get reply from you. I think and imagine you until I can hear your voice and see your peaceful smile. Sometimes I say it out loud when I feel you are far away from me.
I believe that you are missing me while I am thinking of you. I have faith in mind to mind. How hard I tried to get rid of you, you are still in my mind and in my heart. You are still ruling over my heart without my permission. You may say I am dreamer but the true is I am psychopathic. Because of you, I lost myself. Because of your neglect, I got mad and I feel emptiness. Because of your ignorance, I am nothing. Because of your heatless, I am hurt. You let me walk alone through this darkness and you destroy all the ways of my brighten future. Yes, I am still in this darkness by carrying you with my heart because my stupid brain does not allow me to throw you away. You said that you choose a suitable way for both of us, you and me. Why did not let me choose the way which I want to be? If you let me choose it, I will choose different way which we both will be happy for our entire life. As you said having a relationship is walking on a rope which is difficult to turn back, why not jumping down from that rope and hangs yourself for your happiness. Please don’t give me fucking excuse with stupid reasons. Please stop saying that “I miss you” again unless you means it. Don’t say fucking word that “I love you” unless you truly understand and really mean it. You have no ideas how hurts it is for me. As you just choose to walk away from me, don’t give me any bullshit reasons and admit that you just want me to hurt and you did it intentionally to me.
Sometimes I am enjoying in fake world with fake people because I want to see the things as fake. Sometimes things are hard to accept in reality. I prefer fake and lie in order to live happily with my dream. I know I cannot be fully happy when I know  all the stupid things in reality. I definitely know that I am hard to stand alone when you walk away from me. Although I know you are wiling to leave me, I am still refusing the reality. I bet you please stay just a moment to hold my dream with the unforgettable memories that we both made. I just want to be with you for a moment, just a moment and I will let you go. It is impossible to ask you to stay with me anymore . But one more time let me ask you to stay in my dream until I wake up and strong enough to stand by myself.  Please cure my heart with your lies until I am solid enough to refuse it. Then I will be reborn with new love for my future.


Sunday 6 October 2013

Hard to Heal

Sometimes all I can do is just close my eyes and take a moment to settle down my mind and seek a silent place within myself. I may see miserable things are going on in my life and I may have sense of no way to get out from it. Yeah, I tell myself that things can be worse than that I expected and I try to make the judgment between my though and reality.  The gap between my though and reality is a signal of reminding me the time to turn my though into reality. I definitely know how hard to get through it, but having faith in that once I have tried to step on it then I am on the right way to go on my destination. I believe that my effort will lead my way of life and my choice and my willingness will create the way clear.
I comprehend the toughest thing is expecting encouragements from somebody while I am so damn helpless. People act like they care, but actually they don’t. There is nothing hurt more than expecting helps from people who do not even notice I am still existed in this world.  Sometimes, I just forget to relax myself and to make awareness about time passes, memories fade, feeling change and people leave unexpectedly in our life. All I need to do is letting everything goes and enjoy every moment of my life. I warm myself that people will come and stay as a part of my life when I am needed for them, but they will leave me when they do not need me anymore. Although I am used as bullshit and treated like useless for age, I am still not used to the feeling of pain from their neglected. I trust and care about the people more then they are deserved. I have faith in that they will tread me as the way they want to be treated. My expectation is totally wrong, but I am still acting idiotic. I remind myself that please don’t count as a big deal because no wonder that people in this world will act this way. Without them I will feel hollow, emptiness, loneliness, madness, fearful, unexpected, ignored, and unloved. But I guess it is not a problem because as human being, I am supposed to feel that way. Without these feeling, I will become a heartless. I know I hate to feel that way and I don’t want to feel that way because it hurts so much and it let me down at some points.
Sometimes, I say “how cruel life is”. But I realize that it depends on how I view my life and how I choose the color to paint my life. I am a creator of my life drama. I can be an actor in some plots and I can let other people act in some schemes. How I want to film my life is depending on my choice and my wills. It is hard to notice about myself until I figure it out to see the clear vision. I realize that I am forcing myself to think about happy moment which is turning into bad memories and let these memories drive me insane and make me feel weak. I know the thing that I want to forget the most is the painful thing of my life. That will be the hardest thing to cure myself and I will never bear these memories until the last breath.

Tuesday 1 October 2013

Just Okay..

i'm okay...
Just sometimes…
Seriously at sometimes...
i pause myself from thinking about you…. 
And ask myself...
Why i' m neglected
Why i' m unloved
Why i' m unappreciated
Why i' m used
At the end of why....
My eyes are full with tear…..
Regard me that i am okay...
Just regard me like that And walk away….

Sunday 29 September 2013

No Matter!


No matter how far we are..
Just the time...only time is needed…

No matter how I feel lonely…
Just the space in your heart is needed..

No matter how my heart is cold down..
Just the kiss from you is needed…

No matter how I am hurt…
Just the love from you is needed..

No matter how I feel so down..
Just your hands are needed…

No matter how I  am mad at you…
Just your tightly hug is needed to melt my madness….

That’s all i needed…..

Wednesday 18 September 2013

The Loneliness

Mother Teresa said, “The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.” I am getting comprehended about this quote by tonight.
I believe that the loneliness comes when you feel unloved and when there is no one you love.  I usually feel the way of being “unloved”. When the time comes and gets the sense of being unloved, I am completely down and no strengths to go forward. 
Staying in a small room makes me feel sick and drive me insane sometimes. The sickness of staying alone  might be one of the reason of the loneliness , but it is not the main point of feeling lonely. Sometimes, I may get mad and I may get tired of being alone. However, I prefer staying alone on my bed with dim light and thinking about everything what I want to be and who I want to be.  At that time, I feel like an angel who can fly in the sky.  It is the greatest moment of myself being alone in a small room.
Thinking about the one whom I love makes my dream bright and lift me up to the top of the world. These pleasures give me more strengths and more hopes for my future. In my own world, I imagine myself as an angel who can dream freely all the way of my future life. I can feel and I can dream as I wish. I can go backspace and undo myself. There is no limitation to stop this dream. As long as I get the sense of feeling about something or somebody, my dream seems real. Sometimes I smile. Sometimes I feel blank.  Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I cry.  Sometimes all these moods come together at once and I  totally get mad.
I have suffered both experience of loneliness and being unloved. I value these experiences because they let me stay in the imaginary world where I wish to be. If loneliness and the feeling of being unloved are the most terrible poverty, I own them.


24/11/2012 (1.30 AM)