Sometimes
all I can do is just close my eyes and take a moment to settle down my mind and
seek a silent place within myself. I may see miserable things are going on in
my life and I may have
sense of
no way to get out from it. Yeah, I tell myself that things can be worse than
that I expected and I try to make the judgment between my though and reality. The gap between my though and reality is a
signal of reminding me the time to turn my though into reality. I definitely
know how hard to get through it, but having faith in that once I have tried to
step on it then I am on the right way to go on my destination. I believe that
my effort will lead my way of life and my choice and my willingness will create
the way clear.
I
comprehend the toughest thing is expecting encouragements from somebody while I am so damn helpless. People act like they care, but actually they don’t. There
is nothing hurt more than expecting helps from people who do not even notice I am
still existed in this world. Sometimes,
I
just forget to relax myself and to make awareness about time passes,
memories
fade, feeling change and people leave unexpectedly in our life. All I
need to
do is letting everything goes and enjoy every moment of my life. I warm
myself
that people will come and stay as a part of my life when I am needed for
them, but
they will leave me when they do not need me anymore. Although I am used
as
bullshit and treated like useless for age, I am still not used to the
feeling
of pain from their neglected. I trust and care about the people more
then they are
deserved. I have faith in that they will tread me as the way they want
to be
treated. My expectation is totally wrong, but I am still acting idiotic.
I
remind myself that please don’t count as a big deal because no wonder
that people
in this world will act this way. Without them I will feel hollow,
emptiness, loneliness, madness, fearful, unexpected, ignored, and
unloved. But I guess it is
not a problem because as human being, I am supposed to feel that way.
Without
these feeling, I will become a heartless. I know I hate to feel that way
and I
don’t want to feel that way because it hurts so much and it let me down
at some
points.
Sometimes,
I
say “how cruel life is”. But I realize that it depends on how I view my
life
and how I choose the color to paint my life. I am a creator of my life
drama. I
can be an actor in some plots and I can let other people act in some
schemes.
How I want to film my life is depending on my choice and my wills. It is
hard to notice about myself until I figure it out to see the clear
vision. I realize that I am forcing myself
to think about happy moment which is turning into bad memories and let
these
memories drive me insane and make me feel weak. I know the thing that I
want to forget
the most is the painful thing of my life. That will be the hardest thing
to cure
myself and I will never bear these memories until the last breath.
